Friday, December 18, 2009

Hobson's Choice

There are 3 words infinite in my life : Female Human Species LOL

Problem is - after all these years, I'm still asking wht my karma is (with opposite sex). The lines of questioning and the critical judgement tht I get is something to behold. It's quite flattering actually.

Funny - as fren, u r a close confidante and the most trusted person on earth, but 3 words later ( a diff 3 words - not the infinite 3 words ), u r suddenly a world-class bad. The trust level plummeted to below zero.

Tell me, which part of 'I luv you' makes u a world-class bad. Mebbe I'm just not used to having girls over..oopps I mean in my life. I dont really know wht's on their mind or wht they like to do - I dont hv any dolls or make-up or anything, but I luv them, I luv their femininity, their femaleness and everythg abt them..( Re: infinite 3 words..).

Something is wrong with me I think - not them *sigh*

Bee, I wont be home for dinner tonite K.

Who do u love..

Come August this year..I’l be 2 (in YM), you’d think I’d be older..(hmm..tht aging thg again.) and wiser by now. You’d think!.

For me, life in here is still an addiction, a hard habit, an obligation at times.hahaha. Just look at this place, everybody is buzzing, maneuvering and looking for something, It’s a tabloid! U r always a part of something, whether u r on or off radar. anything new is always good by definitions. It can shock, insult or offend me – I don’t care, so long as it doesn’t bore me.. Tell me, where else can u find home…

Yahoowise, I’m really grateful for the things I don’t hv tht I don’t want. Those tht I want and I hv, I want to keep – esp. all my 9 comels. Hmm..lemme see, 9 eh.. o O O

Dizz : Always special. We used to breathe the same air masa kat TTDI dulu. Whtever chatting skill yg I ada, dizz yg ajar..(esp. part yg mengganaz ). She took me to KL1, introduced me to her frens, bawak I masuk frenster and then gave me my own space here..tak penah lagi tinggalkan I. But very soon orang lain dah nak amik dia.

Anis : She’s on a mission, a quest…and since I don’t look anything like keanu reeves, I consider myself out. One time dulu, dia pernah cakap “ Dot, as thief u suck!” . Wht was tht all about anis..? Tu dulu, now kitorang gang bucoks. Tak garang pun minah ni..haha.

Pie : Her 2 ex, were Libran, so she already counted me out..*sighs*. But Pie, let me tell u a lil secret… Selalu nyer yg u xmo tu la will be the one. LOL. Her voice is so the very the..hehehe. We are very close, sampai ada part gaduh-gaduh.

Honeybee : She’s what I call a feel good, a grrr.. and a fren all roll into one. She’s my colors in KL1 and my bucoks elsewhere. Looking at all the comments in her Space, I boleh consider myself an underdog here ---way way under !. Cmolots!!

Yan : She’s my baby since dgr dia nyanyi lagu ‘..stupid mistakes’ and she will always be. Lagipun Yan dah ada Tom Cruise Malaya – how to beat tht..

Leen : Hmm Leen..she’s err umm ooo. We had fun, loads and loads. That’s was before some Khans sorok dia. And I look nothing like any Khan..

Lilot : she’s my Sahara, always mysterious, enigmatic and magnetic. Kejap ada lamaaaaaa takde. A lot of ppl goes missing discovering Sahara…hmm.

Farmie : I like her becos she keeps no skeleton in her closet. Bones..? I dunno. Nak jumpa I, bawak bf…how much more blaring can u get. (Farmgirl dan cowgirl sama tak..? Cowgirl biasa nyer – raw, wild and raunchy . Gurau eh Farmie….sambung LOL )

Ginko : Hmm..she’s always protecting. Ke from me jer.?. LOL.

There goes…all possibilities.

Some guys are born better, while others, like me, we are just born lucky – gelak guling tendang terajang..( eh, kalo lucky macam mana all the 9, the better guys yg dapat..? )

( o O O better to be better ker or better to be lucky.? Hmm..)

Love y’all…muahs muahs and muahs!

Don't believe the truth..

There are so many things I dont get.. like why ppl let go reality/life for something much less. Yeah wht is reality anyway..

We are so governed by sex and sins..oopps typo . I mean we are so governed by judgement and condemnation tht we constantly overthink and overfuss on almost everything, killing whtever little impulsiveness and naturalness tht we have, we even change our lives because of wht ppl may think.

I dont know how many times over and again ppl dont get to hear or say something tht shld hv been spoken in the first place, for fear of judgement and condemnation. When opportunity stares, we always say something else. We prefer to kill our anxieties w/o any moment of truth. No condemnation, no judgement and for sure no conclusion...

We are a function of our thoughts. Average man do 60,000 thoughts a day - 90 percent are yesterdays thoughts. See!!? 'If'ing..

Wanna sleep better tonite..? Find space and freedom to be yourself.. And if u can find those space, let me know. I'm looking for more room to roam and to romp.

Shade of confrontation...

I woke up to the deafening sound of nothing – total silence! (..LOL! they say sometimes it’s good to start with a cliché..).But it’s 4.30am!!! And I should be sleeping.

Grrr!! Who wants to be up at this hour, nobody! I don’t need the serenity, I just want to sleep. I have no real mess in my life..except err..mmm, owh nvm, I never leave my cul de sac anyway, so why waking up at 4.30am is becoming a norm lately..

This is the third time I’m saying that we are a function of our thoughts, here in my blog. So me waking up at 4.30am, must have something to do with what I have on my mind… or my thought rather. But I was asleep, how would I know what was on my mind. Maybe my mind took a short trip into some neurotic episodes, I don’t know. It’s 4.30am, I don’t want to think of anything at 4.30am.

But things do get a little more incomprehensible sometimes. I speak and act faster than I think. It’s reflexive but sporadic. And there are times I scarcely recognize myself. Is that the reason why..? Waking up at 4.30am?. I need to do a quick check here….

I’m still crystal with where I’m going. Yeah I know, procrastination is such a dirty word, but hey, everyone stagnates at one point or another, I’m sure I’ll get to that soon enough.

Relationship?, this is where I go grey. I must admit I have been staring at the sun, and in all those brightness I see nothing..

Didn’t they say the important thing is to recognize your grey areas …right?

For the past 3 yrs, I never want to try to appeal to anyone. Never, not even once. (ok…maybe a few times ), but that’s hormonal. In all sincerity, I’m quite happy the way I am ( hmm..i know, the standard line of denials..). but some of the things that men and women do to each other are still shockingly brutal.

I don’t want to go out of this single world, not now anyway. There are much less subterfuge here.. Besides, otherness never raided my sleep before.

Maybe I’m just tired, tired of pretending and tired of denying. Or maybe Alice doesn’t live here anymore… But still, I never want to wake up at 4.30am. Unless of course Alice is here with me, right here right now…LOL that would have been a totally different story altogether, neurotic would then be spelled - erotic! OK I wont dwell on Alice being here at 4.30am…

Wait! who says waking up at 4.30am has something to do with some disorder of some kind? Maybe this is just a fleeting thing…very fleeting thing. Just like love, life and happiness…

Mahathir and Mahaleel..I’m all with u.. I may not know the real politics behind it all, but our national car is definitely our pride, it should therefore be handled as such - with passion and intensity. I wont even try staring at the sun to see if there is honor and substance in having VW running and waving their wands around in Proton… cos I know it will just amounts to nothing, pride-wise.

Salut and all my 10 lovely frens.

Accident of fate...

Sometimes, in some sick way, it feels good to be down, rejected and to be in pain – It is! At least u r not devoid of emotions and you feel kind of alive. I guess, that must be the blessing ppl were referring to, those days. I don’t know. What else could it possibly be.

My point is – when you are down and out, feel good about it. It’s not the end of the world, not in a million years.

Now for the real point of this blog - After 3 long years of resisting biological imperative (nice word eh!) I find that I’m still like most men, at least as far as those Neolithic urges are concern – must hunt, must slay, must hunt, must stray…LOL, I couldn’t help it, it’s in the configuration. OK! I’m just kidding – but only for the slay and stray part (gelak guling tending terajang). The fact is I dont treat women as sequels, PERIOD!. ( Eh, Period ker per se. ;)) Anyway…..

Today I’m here to thanks each and every one of you (10 in all). You have been and still is the best part of that 3 yrs. Ribut taufan ker, Tsunami ker, London Bombing Ker, Hurricanes ker - at the back of my mind, there’s always you. I just want you to know that.

On the biological imperative part…I’d say, this is no accident of fate, we have always been here for a reason. The imperative is no longer an illusion now, it is more absolute. Finally...

( kenyit mata kat your forensic clues yet..? LOL )

Pie, nothing goes behind ur back..lalala.

Friends, Lovers and Ikan Bakar

A friend asked me why did I move to Mlk..?

I told her, I need to change, need to reinvent myself, literally!, need to forget my history and to emerge a new man. Those are promises I made to myself and Melaka is my nesting ground, my incubator. That's why.


Melaka is going great but i'm still not that man, not yet. i'm still the same person I was 3 yrs ago - still changing ( I think..), still reinventing ( I hope..) and still trying to forget (what history?..). I'm still undone still nesting..

Maybe Melaka is not the right place, I get too comfortable here. ( Yeah, I know - excuses n more excuses *sighs*..).But I love the pace here, and of course the people..(yeah, the traffic too..). You never get embalmed in boredom here.

The people are less pretentious and less judgemental, in fact I dont even have to be dead proper here. Maybe I am just lucky with the people I know, I dont know. Dont get me wrong, there ARE potboilers,owh yes! but dontt expect to get away with just anything wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, not all the time..haha. Boleh kena bakar hidup-hidup LOL!

But promises I made to myself is something I meant to stick to. If I cant make good those promises, how do I make good my promises to others. I guess, it's time to make that fresh and renewed pledges, again!!, o O O must hunt, must stray, must slay, must hunt.. (Hehe, just a minor glitch with priorities, between urges and promises..)

Bee, those promises? They still stand k.Grr! ( err..u take timeless promises, dont u?..)

To all ABUs (anything but United), i'lcry for you this season. Let me assure u, u wont be walking alone, there'l be 19 of u. Ouchh!!

Still wonder what was the tune Nero was fiddling to when Rom was burning..

Clear thinking

Ada orang tanya.. ‘dot, who are you..? what are you..?’. Ada yang kata – ‘dot, u r so full of contradictions.’ Ada jugak yang cakap – ‘dot, I just don’t understand you la’.Ada yang bagi flattering remarks ‘dot, u ni baik sgt lah – susah’. Ada yg heran ‘dot! why didn’t you..?’

For some cosmic reason, though meticulously configured, I think I have been ‘inadvertently’ left out of the mainstream..(a plus? a minus?- I don’t know..). The fact is, not everyone is an orthodox. In life mmg kena ada warna-warna yang lain sket. While some people are looking for the comfort of a safe, predictable and foreseeable passage, I never scream for the same crossing, I find them a little too cramped, - everything nampak mcm so ‘lined up’ - not twisted enough ! To me if they aren’t twisted, they are either repetitive, rehearsed or repeated, cyclical even. Don’t get me wrong, repetitive isn’t awful, I’m sure over time we can inched our way to perfection that way. It’s just me….I don’t believe in perfection, to me they are just an illusion.

So, in my life, I keep chopping and changing my mind about my plans, because I don’t see real needs to settle things down - long before they need to be settled down…the more choppy the plan, the better wud be the outcome, I guess. Of course there are times I don’t make much sense to a lot of people, frens included, but I never find any triumph in making sense anyway, they are just a matter of perspective. (..the half full, half empty glass?). The only person you have to make sense to, is yourself. Nvm the price..

(Diversion: Sounds macam so vain eh!?, mcm tom cruise, macam keanu reaves, macam all those people with looks and everything, but I don’t have all that. My problem is I can only stay in the mainstream for like a minute..i feel so insecure there).

Tapi tu la pulak, biasa nyer there’s always another party at the other end, another soul..and most of time they find these chopping and changing, very irritating…hmm.

I never want to hurt anybody and I never try to change anybody.

And going by mortal standard, yes you can say I am a man with contradictions - but aren’t we all?.

My point..? Ask Avril.

Hail to the thief...

Ok, so some of you came, read my blog and probably thought WT#@* ? LOL! (emote gelak guling tendang terajang)

Here’s the deal… In here, the world is according to me. I am always besides myself when I write about things, because most of them are about my thought… of what I see and what I feel. Some are very brief and fragmented while others, with some yucky details – invented or otherwise. In any case, I never write to jab or poke at anybody.. Seriously, I don’t ..(but I do stroke..)LOL!.

But then again, this IS a small world.

Myspace is actually my not-so-secret-no-reality-check indulgence, esp. in times of great stress (yes..i write) and a great procrastination excuse ( I needed them… still have not gotten my #*!@ together yet).

So welcome to myworld, my thot, my turf and yeah welcome to the neighbourhood.

Eventho things do go horribly clueless sometimes, I’ve been very lucky to have met so many people in my life ( plan, a million..). And I must add I have been very lucky to have my 10 angels on my list. Some of the people who know me personally, know how wonderfully fucked up I really am. The kind who blissfully choose to pay no heed to the time-bomb being planted next to him until it actually exploded. BUT.. I always try to come clean no matter how dirty things get (the keyword here is, except of course for some occasional…err umhh..u know, hehehe ( that with those foxy he!he!he..).

So, tht’s the deal. Saving the world was never on my list…

(oops! Another light bulb just went off in my head – gotta go now..)

To all my 10 angels: You are all a blessing..luv.

Reflections of my life..

I don’t do reflections on my, no and no. I don’t know whether that is good or bad (not doing reflections..) but I just don’t do it. I don’t see why I need to do that? Maybe..I just don’t know how to, or maybe I actually have, but didn’t realize it. What does it means anyway..? I know how to celebrate life tho’, but reflections..? When do we do reflections..?

I have this crazy idea in my head that when we reflect, we have to look back and then think? Look back and think..? What’s the deal with looking back anyway? OK I understand the stock taking part, the need to take stock in our life, to know where we are (it has been said too often..) and I agree it’s good, because if we don’t know where we are, how are we to know where we are going. (this must be the contradictions Pie was referring to..).

But the point I’m trying to make is, wouldn’t it be better to make sure everything are all intact upfront, at the front end, so that u don’t have to keep looking back to make sure u r still on track. Being on track is not what today is all about, not anymore. If you are on track and you are not fast enough – you will be run over. There is no time to check whether u r on or off track…it’s like the 100 meter dash..once u start running, u have no time to even look at your challengers, your track or your supporters. You look at them b4 the race, not during and not after ( err..chopping and changing plans is a path-clearing-forward-going process).

Come to think of it, maybe…I need to learn to do that reflections thing. Everyone else is doing it..and they are doing great.

To you (if you are reading this) : You are such a dear fren and I’m sorry.

(oops! Light bulb in my head is flickering – gotta go now..)

Verification ruled out...

How peculiar, the world was once thought to be flat, and if you walk till the end of the world you might just fall off. I wonder how on earth did they come to that conclusion? Nevermind..

Well, this one happens on my watch. U know, I spend billion hours a day trying not to hurt anyone, I really do. (Not hurting does not mean I’m into pleasing people either, they are totally two diff things k). I’m just into living my normal life, my only life and in the process of doing so, I try not to hurt anyone. Nothing complicated. We do that all the time..

Like everyone else, I chose my frens and my party. But sometimes, you just know the party is over, when trials and tribulations begin. Being all flesh and blood, I do bleed when that happens. Not so much because the party is over or the trials or the tribulations, but more so because I feel a bond with all my frens. And I’m not used to having them showing their fangs at me. Nope, I’m not asserting my innocence here, frens don’t normally show their fangs for nothing (eventho’ it’s their birthright), and for them to do that I must have been a pain somewhere. . I understand, I mean we all have fangs and claws and once in a while we need to put them into play. But when verifications is being ruled out by definitions, everything else become pointless..

There is so much beauty in this world and I don’t want to let myself stuck in a situations like this for long, no matter how twisted they are. I just hope one day…, no I don’t think so, I’m not going to hope. Next time, if it happens again, I will just get myself sedated..…

(Damn! Why do the light bulb in my head keep flickering..must go now)

Drama Minggu Ini...

Arini mmg nak tulis lain sket utk blog, nak kata my typical weekend pun tak jugak but it’s something quite close to typical…except that this particular weekend ada event sket. A ‘dinner’..and a lesson.

Date : Sept 3rd 2005; Time : 9.50pm (dinner starts at 8.00pm)

Location : Bukit Serindit Melaka; Occasion : A simple dinner for the fitness wannabe freaks, sempena Merdeka.

Estd. crowd : 180 something.

3 months ago : This lady, she has been coming down to Melaka quite regularly (at least once a forthnight) for the past 3 mths or so. She has a fren here in Melaka who coincidently join I jogging and aerobik petang2. First time tgk dia, I perasan rambut dia – teknik rebonding!. I dok perati dia lari-lari kambing kat padang sensorang, – her sports attire, sumer body huggin..grr!, infact the whole package was right. Kawan dia yg kat melaka ni tak suka jogging – dia nak aerobic and line dancing jer oOO hmm peluang baik – a new jogging partner!. They are both 26 btw. Sorang keje kat melaka, sorang lagi kat kl. So I tanya minah yg kat melaka ni. ‘hey lyn! Tu your office mate ker..?’ Dia kata ‘Tak lah, tu As, dia keje kat kl, dia dtg melaka arini sbb dah lama tak jumpa lyn’. And before I could plan my next move, she called her over and introduced me to her. I pun apa lagi, tersipu2 lah (sampai terbelit kaki), and the only perkataan yg terkuar dari mulut masa tu ‘Wow! Nice hair’. Hehe…hunter at works. Tanya keje - dia kata ‘xxx – an IT Co...’ Hmm..IT eh.

Now, 3 months later :11.30am phone rang. Now kitorang dah mcm gang la. I was at Kem Tentera Sungai Udang Melaka, tgk delivery of some stuff meant for the army camp. ‘Eh As, Lyn cakap u demam, betul ker?’ Blah blah blah…. So since dia tanya wht wud I be doing over the weekend (mcm la dia tatau). I ajak la dia dtg Melaka (sbb last weekend dia dah dtg – so this weekend patut nyer dia tak datang lah..), told her ada dinner dgn group yg petang2 ada kat Bkt Srindit (tempat jogging tu). She sounds excited – blah, blah, blah. During the conversation, dia kata, ‘Zul mlm ni u pakai suar itam, baju putih jarang k’ and I tanya dia balik ‘ wht wud u be wearing..?’. Dia cakap ‘suar itam and baju putih jarang’. Dia nak I ngan dia sama…(baju jarang!! Putih plak tu…tanduk tumbuh). So I told her – dinner at 8.30pm. I tanya ‘pukul berapa u nak dtg..?’. She said ‘ right away’. Hey! it’s only 11.30 am..anyway since I got things to do, janji jumpa kat padang jer mlm nanti. 12.30pm dia call kata dia dah kat S’ban. OK, so she’s on the way now.

Malam ‘dinner’ 9.20pm, Sept 3rd. I sampai Bkt Serindit (mmg saja nak datang lewat..), dia takde, kawan dia pun takde…nowhere to be seen. Call tak jawab, sms tak balas. So I thot they must have changed their plan, after all it’s Saturday. So I pun makan la..nasik briyani, ada ayam, ada daging, dan memacam lagi (dorang amik caterer umah orang kawen – so lauk dia pun mcm umah org kawen jugak lah..). Rupa nyer dinner dah start at 8pm tadi ( saper la yg bagitau aku pukul 8.30 nih..). 9.30pm – the caterer started to pack their stuff. Sumer yg datang dah makan, dorng nak tunggu aper lagi..

9.50pm..Caterer left. And suddenly there she was, with her all done, pakai suar itam and blouse putih jarang (kawan dia baju bunga2 – tak perasan pun bunga apa. My baju putih jarang? I tak jadi pakai, macam over-dress la pulak. But I was in black and white nonetheless. Haha.. Didn’t realize pun dorang datang until she came up to me, tgk baju I with that unspoken look ‘mana baju putih jarang?’. On my mind, I was bz with a diff Q, ‘Ntah dari mana la dorang ni – org dah nak balik, baru datang’. I didn’t even ask her dah makan ker belum (I assumed they have – it’s 9.50pm and siang tadi dia puasa, mesti by this time dia dah makan..). She led me to her fren..we borak2 for less than 2 mins and I told them Van yg bawak makanan baru jer balik (tapi masa tu, mata dok perati pompuan2 lain buat line dancing…from budak2, teens, 20 something, 30 something, 40 something,). She was making a call when somebody called me over (kwn lelaki..). So I tinggalkn dorang kejap. Few minutes later. her fren (budak melaka tu) came to where I was seated..and duduk kat I. “Lyn, mana As?’ Lyn kata ‘ dia pergi kejap – ada hal’. So we sat there..borak2 and gelak2 – ramai2 la. Somebody mintak I tolong antarkan dia balik, so I told lyn to wait for me bila As dtg nanti. Some 30 mins later, on the way back to Bkt Srindit, nampak As and Lyn, leaving??!. Dang! Kan dah suruh tunggu tadi. SMS As, cakap kat dia ‘ U tak tunggu pun I eh..’. She replied ‘ Kat Hang Tuah Mall’. No invitation to join, no nothing …kat TV pulak England lawan Wales.

Cek time, second half baru je start…Ah, tgk bola la dulu..

Abis bola, lalu kat hang tuah mall…lalu jer, tak turun carik. Tak nampak pun. Haha..esok jgn kata tak dtg dah la.

Sept.4th Sunday. 2pm – SMS As, ‘Ptg ni jgn lupa – Bkt Srindit, loncat2 (codeword for aerobic’. No answer. Takpe, semalam dia kata lepas aerobic, baru nak balik KL.

5.35pm – Sampai Bkt Srindit, dorg still takde, ‘eh! As ni nak jogging sekali ker tak.?’ OK, bagi dua minit – kalo takde, I jog ngan Hassan and Mezah jer. 2 mins up, dorang masih takde. I went without her.

6pm…terus join aerobic. Looked around, nampak Lyn. ooO As must be somewhere around. (Takpe, jumpa time minum nanti lah).

7pm..erobik abis. Pergi kat Lyn, ‘Mana As’. Lyn jawab ‘ Dia dah balik la..dia frust sgt. Datang Melaka pasal u, balik KL pun pasal U.’

Huh?!! Datang Melaka pasal I?? “Betul ker As dah balik Lyn..? Bila..?”

“Betul, tadi pukul 1..”

Tapi semalam dia kata nak balik lepas erobik.

‘Dia balik pasal you buat tatau jer kat dia, dah la dinner tak dapat makan”

(Rupa-rupa nyer, semalam masa dia tinggalkan Lyn kejap tu – dia gi carik makanan)

“eh biar betul Lyn, kan I suruh datang 8.30pm – ni pukul 9.50 baru sampai’

‘Tu la, lambat sikit. 8.30 masih kat kedai rambut, dia buat rambut tau..’

(Mmg cantik rambut dia malam tadi – ada curls kat ujung rambut.)

‘Tapi ni kan dinner kat padang Lyn, u tak cakap ker kat dia’.

Terus SMS As, ‘As, u ok. Puas I carik and tunggu u kat padang tadi’ ( of cos I didn’t tell her about the 2 mins wait.).

She didn’t answer my sms.

By this time, kitorng dah sampai kat tempat minum. 5 of us. Hasssan, Mezah, Man, Lyn and Adeq (hehe..bila dah adeq, kitorg mcm bro and sister jer lah.). As masih tak balas SMS. Call As, tak jawab jugak.

Sent her another SMS “ As, kitorg tgh minum ni, xbesh la u takde” – SEND!

Lyn cakap “ U mmg tak patut, ajak budak tu dtg melaka. Dia siap buat rambut lagi, frust dia. Dah la makanan abis, dia puasa tau and yet u buat tatau jer, tu pasal dia balik KL”. Dorang ni asik main lagu sama jer.

‘Wey Lyn, she was on the phone and then she left – hw wud I to know. Lagipun u dtg lambat, I ingat mesti u sumer dah makan. Dia tak cakap, mana la I nak tau’

‘Abistu – kitorng cakap kitorang kat Hang Tuah Mall, apesal tak datang?’

Hehe..I dah agak…she’l bring this up. “ Eh saper kata I tak pergi, I pergi, tapi tak nampak pun”

Kawan yg lain, sumer main tambah2…berpeluh jugak, rasa bersalah pun ada. Dorang ni plak bukan main mewah menembak.

And then – a reply from As ‘ yes, wht do you want. Geram I tau..pergi sana semata-mata kerana u. tapi very disappointed.”. Eh minah ni…sedap jari jer.

‘Lyn..betul ker As marah..?’

‘Abistu, u ingat dia seronok ker pasal semalam.’ Amboi Lyn, tanya sket dah eksen marah. Tertelan tulang ayam ker budak ni.

Hmm, mmg bebetul As ‘bunyi’ mcm marah. Jari tekan ‘reply’ to her msg.

‘As, I’m sorry. I tatau u marah, ingatkn everything was fine. I thot U had other plan earlier, pasal tu u lambat. Had I known u tak makan lagi, I wud have taken u to some other places..tapi kan As, mcm mana pun u marah I, I hv somethg to say - you look wonderful smlm. I love your hair. OK mcm ni la, next time you datang sini, I ganti ngan ikan bakar K.

And I got an almost instant reply this time…nada pun dah macam tak marah..(must be pasal komen rambut cantik hihi..)

‘U janji? Tak payah la ikan bakar, asam pedas pun cukup..apesal masa kat Hang Tuah Mall, u tak datang. Lama kitorg tunggu’. (LOL! Dlm marah pun boleh tunggu lagi..)

I balas ‘ Eh I tatau pun u tunggu I, ur msg bagitau I u kat Hang Tauh Mall jer, so I tgk la bola England lawan Wales. Abis bola, I lalu kat Hang Tuah Mall, tapi tak nampak u sumer.’

Actually kes marah tu belum settle abis lagi, As cakap dah belanja nanti baru cakap sorry. Itu takpe…the question is, how did things get to merajuk2 nyer part nih, sampai balik-balik KL. Susah gak bila kawan biasa pun merajuk, tak pujuk - kawan.

But I think we always take frens for granted, we have this crazy idea in our head that they will always be there and they will always be fine. I did!. I assumed too much. Little things like ‘dah makan ker belum’ makes a lot of diff at times. But sometimes, we just let ourselves get too distracted with other things…like line dancers. Nasib baik dia balik KL jer..kalo dia balik UK ker, US ker or Antartica ker atau pun masa dia kuar gi makan tu, dia eksiden ker, tak ker nyesal sumor idup…

Urrgh!! I know these things will keep repeating…

As for me, my real big lost must be that baju putih jarang…grr, tak sempat tgk betul2 malam tu – banyak sgt distractions.

On the same day : I lega! tapi Farm ilang jari, jwb sms sepatah dua jer (dia ngan T kat Cfee Bean), Anis – mcm ‘bz’ (macam jer k), nak sms Yan, tapi tak jadi, pikir pasal Katrina and dizz, after 5yrs, Pie finally called – ingat nak cakap miss dot ker, rupa nyer nak bagitau lagu ‘Cinta’ Melly and Kris tu best. Adeq bengang sbb dinner tinggalkan dia..(btw Anis, yg cakap sayang2 masa u called dulu, tu la Adeq. Dia mmg camtu, kalo ade pompuan call, dia akan sabotaj, pastu gelak guling tendang terajang. Tapi banyak kali gak bf dia call, I plak yg sabotaj dia…hehe.

The 13th of Never...

Let’s get things straight here – (yeah, I know this sucks but that’s what everybody say every time they want to make a scene, I mean a point ) .. Eventho’ in here, the world is according to me, everything I said are based on my own experience and feel, and therefore meant to be taken as such. No one is entitled to my opinion =)). We pay different attention to diff things, so naturally we all have mixed and different views about everything..

Even in a relationship, despite the attachment, each one of us continues to be an individual with separate needs and wants and views. There is no such thing as ‘must share’ (everything and anything). Who in heaven, defines or gives the crazy notions that love is sharing? That is not what love is. Sharing must never be construed as a part of any relationship… and NO! it is not a measure for love, closeness or commitment either. Sharing is a gift, you can’t demand sharing..and I’m not talking about drinks here. Hmm..come to think of it, yeah even drinks too..

If someone decide to share their little secret with you, they are actually handling over that part of their life to you..and possibly their soul. And it’s not everyday anybody wants to do that, not just with anyone, so cherish it. As for me, I find it quite amusing, and to some extend annoying, when somebody expect or demand for that part of my life and use it as a measure for something….wait a sec! that was then, yup that was then. Now I’m quite OK actually, I don’t get annoyed anymore. I have this new gadget that shut all system down the moment they smell demand. It is called ‘I don’t believe in love’. Found it some years ago, minutes after my marriage was over. I don’t know who started it first but we (love and I), we are always on confrontational mode, never really see eye to eye - on a lot of things. Love must have taken that long, one way ride to Pluto, away from me - for good, bad or ugly. I know I’m screwed, but hey, I still love women and the things men and women normally do to and with each other, expressing love and needs.. (no AC-DC here heh!), but to actually get myself all tied-up and tangled-up again? I don’t think so…I hate the prospect and I’m so done with : ‘If you really loved me, then you would have…..’

They say love is like magic, it sparkles things up. But magic happens all the time, you can almost smell it, of course they now come under different names like coincidence, luck or chance but love? Love is…and forever will be an illusion of sort. Haha..gotcha!!’s not true, love is there…I’m just screwed. But I’m not going to look for love, or pay for her return ticket from Pluto, never. Love will have to find me and then it’s up to me, my call.

And I never like wedding cakes anyway – I’m sure they have long term, harmful effect ;))

Pie, I didn’t mean what I said this morning..I’m sorry.