Hobson's Choice

There are 3 words infinite in my life : Female Human Species LOL

Problem is - after all these years, I'm still asking wht my karma is (with opposite sex). The lines of questioning and the critical judgement tht I get is something to behold. It's quite flattering actually.

Funny - as fren, u r a close confidante and the most trusted person on earth, but 3 words later ( a diff 3 words - not the infinite 3 words ), u r suddenly a world-class bad. The trust level plummeted to below zero.

Tell me, which part of 'I luv you' makes u a world-class bad. Mebbe I'm just not used to having girls over..oopps I mean in my life. I dont really know wht's on their mind or wht they like to do - I dont hv any dolls or make-up or anything, but I luv them, I luv their femininity, their femaleness and everythg abt them..( Re: infinite 3 words..).

Something is wrong with me I think - not them *sigh*

Bee, I wont be home for dinner tonite K.

Who do u love..

Come August this year..I’l be 2 (in YM), you’d think I’d be older..(hmm..tht aging thg again.) and wiser by now. You’d think!.

For me, life in here is still an addiction, a hard habit, an obligation at times.hahaha. Just look at this place, everybody is buzzing, maneuvering and looking for something, It’s a tabloid! U r always a part of something, whether u r on or off radar. anything new is always good by definitions. It can shock, insult or offend me – I don’t care, so long as it doesn’t bore me.. Tell me, where else can u find home…

Yahoowise, I’m really grateful for the things I don’t hv tht I don’t want. Those tht I want and I hv, I want to keep – esp. all my 9 comels. Hmm..lemme see, 9 eh.. o O O

Dizz : Always special. We used to breathe the same air masa kat TTDI dulu. Whtever chatting skill yg I ada, dizz yg ajar..(esp. part yg mengganaz ). She took me to KL1, introduced me to her frens, bawak I masuk frenster and then gave me my own space here..tak penah lagi tinggalkan I. But very soon orang lain dah nak amik dia.

Anis : She’s on a mission, a quest…and since I don’t look anything like keanu reeves, I consider myself out. One time dulu, dia pernah cakap “ Dot, as thief u suck!” . Wht was tht all about anis..? Tu dulu, now kitorang gang bucoks. Tak garang pun minah ni..haha.

Pie : Her 2 ex, were Libran, so she already counted me out..*sighs*. But Pie, let me tell u a lil secret… Selalu nyer kan..org yg u xmo tu la will be the one. LOL. Her voice is so the very the..hehehe. We are very close, sampai ada part gaduh-gaduh.

Honeybee : She’s what I call a feel good, a grrr.. and a fren all roll into one. She’s my colors in KL1 and my bucoks elsewhere. Looking at all the comments in her Space, I boleh consider myself an underdog here ---way way under !. Cmolots!!

Yan : She’s my baby since dgr dia nyanyi lagu ‘..stupid mistakes’ and she will always be. Lagipun Yan dah ada Tom Cruise Malaya – how to beat tht..

Leen : Hmm Leen..she’s err umm ooo. We had fun, loads and loads. That’s was before some Khans sorok dia. And I look nothing like any Khan..

Lilot : she’s my Sahara, always mysterious, enigmatic and magnetic. Kejap ada lamaaaaaa takde. A lot of ppl goes missing discovering Sahara…hmm.

Farmie : I like her becos she keeps no skeleton in her closet. Bones..? I dunno. Nak jumpa I, bawak bf…how much more blaring can u get. (Farmgirl dan cowgirl sama tak..? Cowgirl biasa nyer – raw, wild and raunchy . Gurau eh Farmie….sambung LOL )

Ginko : Hmm..she’s always protecting. Ke from me jer.?. LOL.

There goes…all possibilities.

Some guys are born better, while others, like me, we are just born lucky – gelak guling tendang terajang..( eh, kalo lucky macam mana all the 9, the better guys yg dapat..? )

( o O O better to be better ker or better to be lucky.? Hmm..)

Love y’all…muahs muahs and muahs!

Don't believe the truth..

There are so many things I dont get.. like why ppl let go reality/life for something much less. Yeah wht is reality anyway..

We are so governed by sex and sins..oopps typo . I mean we are so governed by judgement and condemnation tht we constantly overthink and overfuss on almost everything, killing whtever little impulsiveness and naturalness tht we have, we even change our lives because of wht ppl may think.

I dont know how many times over and again ppl dont get to hear or say something tht shld hv been spoken in the first place, for fear of judgement and condemnation. When opportunity stares, we always say something else. We prefer to kill our anxieties w/o any moment of truth. No condemnation, no judgement and for sure no conclusion...

We are a function of our thoughts. Average man do 60,000 thoughts a day - 90 percent are yesterdays thoughts. See!!? 'If'ing..

Wanna sleep better tonite..? Find space and freedom to be yourself.. And if u can find those space, let me know. I'm looking for more room to roam and to romp.

Shade of confrontation...

I woke up to the deafening sound of nothing – total silence! (..LOL! they say sometimes it’s good to start with a cliché..).But it’s 4.30am!!! And I should be sleeping.



Grrr!! Who wants to be up at this hour, nobody! I don’t need the serenity, I just want to sleep. I have no real mess in my life..except err..mmm, owh nvm, I never leave my cul de sac anyway, so why waking up at 4.30am is becoming a norm lately..



This is the third time I’m saying that we are a function of our thoughts, here in my blog. So me waking up at 4.30am, must have something to do with what I have on my mind… or my thought rather. But I was asleep, how would I know what was on my mind. Maybe my mind took a short trip into some neurotic episodes, I don’t know. It’s 4.30am, I don’t want to think of anything at 4.30am.



But things do get a little more incomprehensible sometimes. I speak and act faster than I think. It’s reflexive but sporadic. And there are times I scarcely recognize myself. Is that the reason why..? Waking up at 4.30am?. I need to do a quick check here….



I’m still crystal with where I’m going. Yeah I know, procrastination is such a dirty word, but hey, everyone stagnates at one point or another, I’m sure I’ll get to that soon enough.



Relationship?, this is where I go grey. I must admit I have been staring at the sun, and in all those brightness I see nothing..

Didn’t they say the important thing is to recognize your grey areas …right?

For the past 3 yrs, I never want to try to appeal to anyone. Never, not even once. (ok…maybe a few times ), but that’s hormonal. In all sincerity, I’m quite happy the way I am ( hmm..i know, the standard line of denials..). but some of the things that men and women do to each other are still shockingly brutal.

I don’t want to go out of this single world, not now anyway. There are much less subterfuge here.. Besides, otherness never raided my sleep before.



Maybe I’m just tired, tired of pretending and tired of denying. Or maybe Alice doesn’t live here anymore… But still, I never want to wake up at 4.30am. Unless of course Alice is here with me, right here right now…LOL that would have been a totally different story altogether, neurotic would then be spelled - erotic! OK I wont dwell on Alice being here at 4.30am…



Wait! who says waking up at 4.30am has something to do with some disorder of some kind? Maybe this is just a fleeting thing…very fleeting thing. Just like love, life and happiness…



Mahathir and Mahaleel..I’m all with u.. I may not know the real politics behind it all, but our national car is definitely our pride, it should therefore be handled as such - with passion and intensity. I wont even try staring at the sun to see if there is honor and substance in having VW running and waving their wands around in Proton… cos I know it will just amounts to nothing, pride-wise.



Salut and luv...to all my 10 lovely frens.

Accident of fate...

Sometimes, in some sick way, it feels good to be down, rejected and to be in pain – It is! At least u r not devoid of emotions and you feel kind of alive. I guess, that must be the blessing ppl were referring to, those days. I don’t know. What else could it possibly be.

My point is – when you are down and out, feel good about it. It’s not the end of the world, not in a million years.

Now for the real point of this blog - After 3 long years of resisting biological imperative (nice word eh!) I find that I’m still like most men, at least as far as those Neolithic urges are concern – must hunt, must slay, must hunt, must stray…LOL, I couldn’t help it, it’s in the configuration. OK! I’m just kidding – but only for the slay and stray part (gelak guling tending terajang). The fact is I dont treat women as sequels, PERIOD!. ( Eh, Period ker per se. ;)) Anyway…..

Today I’m here to thanks each and every one of you (10 in all). You have been and still is the best part of that 3 yrs. Ribut taufan ker, Tsunami ker, London Bombing Ker, Hurricanes ker - at the back of my mind, there’s always you. I just want you to know that.

On the biological imperative part…I’d say, this is no accident of fate, we have always been here for a reason. The imperative is no longer an illusion now, it is more absolute. Finally...

( kenyit mata kat Arielle..got your forensic clues yet..? LOL )

Pie, nothing goes behind ur back..lalala.

Friends, Lovers and Ikan Bakar

A friend asked me why did I move to Mlk..?

I told her, I need to change, need to reinvent myself, literally!, need to forget my history and to emerge a new man. Those are promises I made to myself and Melaka is my nesting ground, my incubator. That's why.

Today..

Melaka is going great but i'm still not that man, not yet. i'm still the same person I was 3 yrs ago - still changing ( I think..), still reinventing ( I hope..) and still trying to forget (what history?..). I'm still undone still nesting..

Maybe Melaka is not the right place, I get too comfortable here. ( Yeah, I know - excuses n more excuses *sighs*..).But I love the pace here, and of course the people..(yeah, the traffic too..). You never get embalmed in boredom here.

The people are less pretentious and less judgemental, in fact I dont even have to be dead proper here. Maybe I am just lucky with the people I know, I dont know. Dont get me wrong, there ARE potboilers,owh yes! but dontt expect to get away with just anything here..no wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, not all the time..haha. Boleh kena bakar hidup-hidup LOL!

But promises I made to myself is something I meant to stick to. If I cant make good those promises, how do I make good my promises to others. I guess, it's time to make that fresh and renewed pledges, again!!, o O O must hunt, must stray, must slay, must hunt.. (Hehe, just a minor glitch with priorities, between urges and promises..)

Bee, those promises? They still stand k.Grr! ( err..u take timeless promises, dont u?..)

To all ABUs (anything but United), i'lcry for you this season. Let me assure u, u wont be walking alone, there'l be 19 of u. Ouchh!!

Still wonder what was the tune Nero was fiddling to when Rom was burning..

Clear thinking

Ada orang tanya.. ‘dot, who are you..? what are you..?’. Ada yang kata – ‘dot, u r so full of contradictions.’ Ada jugak yang cakap – ‘dot, I just don’t understand you la’.Ada yang bagi flattering remarks ‘dot, u ni baik sgt lah – susah’. Ada yg heran ‘dot! why didn’t you..?’

For some cosmic reason, though meticulously configured, I think I have been ‘inadvertently’ left out of the mainstream..(a plus? a minus?- I don’t know..). The fact is, not everyone is an orthodox. In life mmg kena ada warna-warna yang lain sket. While some people are looking for the comfort of a safe, predictable and foreseeable passage, I never scream for the same crossing, I find them a little too cramped, - everything nampak mcm so ‘lined up’ - not twisted enough ! To me if they aren’t twisted, they are either repetitive, rehearsed or repeated, cyclical even. Don’t get me wrong, repetitive isn’t awful, I’m sure over time we can inched our way to perfection that way. It’s just me….I don’t believe in perfection, to me they are just an illusion.

So, in my life, I keep chopping and changing my mind about my plans, because I don’t see real needs to settle things down - long before they need to be settled down…the more choppy the plan, the better wud be the outcome, I guess. Of course there are times I don’t make much sense to a lot of people, frens included, but I never find any triumph in making sense anyway, they are just a matter of perspective. (..the half full, half empty glass?). The only person you have to make sense to, is yourself. Nvm the price..

(Diversion: Sounds macam so vain eh!?, mcm tom cruise, macam keanu reaves, macam all those people with looks and everything, but I don’t have all that. My problem is I can only stay in the mainstream for like a minute..i feel so insecure there).

Tapi tu la pulak, biasa nyer there’s always another party at the other end, another soul..and most of time they find these chopping and changing, very irritating…hmm.

I never want to hurt anybody and I never try to change anybody.

And going by mortal standard, yes you can say I am a man with contradictions - but aren’t we all?.

My point..? Ask Avril.